When you are trying to change your life or business it can feel very hard.

When that happens it is easy to fall into the mindset of wallowing in self pity, burying your head in the sand or ignoring what is really making things so hard.

But that serves no purpose. It only keeps you stuck.

It is in those moments that you need to take yourself aside and give yourself a bit of a talking to.

No BS. Just calling it straight.

Telling yourself things that you might not want to hear but really need to, can be the catalyst to pull yourself out of being stuck and getting into action.

So, for those moments, here are:

10 Things You Don’t Want To Hear But Really Need To

1. Your life and business are the way they are because of your own decisions, choices and actions. If you don’t like how things are, you need to make different decisions, choices and take different actions. You are the captain of your ship. Learn how to steer it.

2. It is nobody else’s fault. Stop blaming other people for what is going wrong in your life, business, relationships or any other aspect of your life. Until you take full responsibility for everything that is going on in all areas of your life, nothing will change. The blame game doesn’t get results.

3. If you carry on over scheduling yourself nothing will ever change. Change only happens where there is time and space to do something different. Make it a priority unless you want to keep peddling the same old hamster wheel forever.

4.  Stop saying “I don’t know how to do it”. It keeps you stuck. Replace it with “What do I need to learn to be able to do it”.

5. Before you start pointing the finger at others, take a look at what you are contributing to the situation. You can’t change other people. You can only change yourself.

6. Don’t be a B.M.W. (Bitcher, Moaner ,Whiner). It doesn’t solve anything. And nobody wants to be around a B.M.W. On the flip side. Avoid people who are a B.M.W. They will drain your energy.

7. Stop saying “I don’t have enough time”. Yes you do. You have the same 24 hours as everyone else does, you are just choosing to spend it differently. The problem isn’t time. The problem is self management.

8. Stop making excuses. Hold yourself accountable. Magic starts to happen when you no longer allow yourself to make excuses.

9. Stop saying “I’ll try”. Either do it or don’t.

10. Stop saying “It isn’t fair”. You aren’t three years old. If something isn’t how you would like it, change it. If you can’t change it, move on. But banging on about things not being fair is for toddlers – not for people who are in charge of their life and business.

So, if you really want to change your life and business, you might want to check you don’t do any of these things. And if you do, well, time to take yourself aside and give yourself that talking too.

What other things do you think people don’t want to hear but really need to? Leave your comments below.

Sometimes your life feels amazing.
Sometimes it sucks.

Sometimes your business is marching forward.
Sometimes you feel it is going backward.

Sometimes your relationships are brilliant.
Sometimes they run into difficulty.

Sometimes you feel you can achieve anything.
Sometimes the voices of self doubt are deafening.

Sometimes you feel you could take on the world.
Sometimes you just want to crawl back to bed and pull the covers over your head.

Life is like the sea with tides that ebb and flow.

But, there are loads of things we can do to shift the odds to favour the good stuff over bad stuff.

But expecting things to ALWAYS be good is setting ourselves up for some serious disappointment.

Keep this in mind:

Sometimes ALWAYS passes.

So, we must grab the good “sometimes” and make the most of them. We must look for ways to change ourselves, our lives and our business to shift the odds in their favour.

And we must respond appropriately to the not so good “sometimes” when they arise. Learn from them. Put things in place to reduce the chances of them raising their ugly heads again.

Then move on. Hanging on to stuff that has past and you can’t change serves no useful purpose.

You can’t always choose what happens to you, but you can always choose how you respond.

“Sometimes” is part of the way life is.

What do you need to change in your life and business to deal with the ebb and flow of your “sometimes?”

Fear is one of the biggest factors that will keep you stuck.

So the temptation is to think that you need to learn how to become fearless.

Not true.

Fear is part of the human state. It is normal to feel fear. In some situations fear is very useful.

For example, fear will make you stop and check things out before leaping into the unknown unprepared. It will make you check and assess the risk before taking action. All healthy stuff.

Fear has a positive role to play as well as being a natural part of the human state. So focusing on becoming fearless isn’t necessary or appropriate.

However, fear becomes a problem when we let it get such a vice like grip on us that it keeps us stuck and stops us from taking action.

That is why it is important to learn effective ways of managing fear. But that on its own isn’t enough to kick fear into touch.

Here’s why:

Let’s imagine you have learnt effective ways to stop fear keeping you stuck. You have put all your new fear fighting skills into action.

But chances are you are still feeling some fear.

Well, here’s why:

When you are about to do something new or make a big change, you are stepping out into the unknown. Something you haven’t experienced before. You are stepping outside your comfort zone. And that feels scary. Even when you are well prepared.

The thing to do is not just to focus on the fear.

Focus on fostering courage as well.

• Yes, learn what you need to do to manage your fear.

• Yes, put things in place to reduce risk to manage your fear.

• Yes, focus on what you need to do set yourself up to succeed.

• Ask yourself “What needs to happen for me to feel safe to move forward, despite the fear?

But when you have done all of this, it is time for courage to look fear squarely in the eyes and say:

“Step aside because I am coming through.”

Work on ways you can be more courageous, not fearless. The first will move you forward. The second is a state that doesn’t exist.

Think of fear like “The Force” in Star Wars. There is a dark side to it. And there is the good side.

The dark side is the side that keeps you stuck and not taking action. The good side is where dealing with fear and courage stand shoulder to shoulder ready to whoop the crap out of the dark side.

No, I am not into Star Wars myself, but with an eight year old son in the house it gets in your system.

So my friends, may the force be with you as you do battle with dealing with your fears.

Related posts:

• Why You Must Get Comfortable Feeling Uncomfortable.
• What to do when you don’t know what to do

The other evening I was discussing some changes I am making to my business model with my husband.

I am currently making some quite hefty changes to my business as part of the ongoing plan of having a business that supports the Team Davies vision of our ideal life.

My husband was offering his perspective on the new changes when our eight year old son piped in with:

“It is like playing with Lego isn’t it?”

We both stopped and looked at him.

“What do you mean?” I asked him.

He went on to say this:

“Well, if you are playing with Lego you don’t know what it will look like when it is finished. You just get started. You experiment. If you don’t like it you can take a few blocks off and try some different ones. You just use your imagination.”

It struck me that his perspective offers a great insight into the mindset of creating change.

It is very easy to get stuck before we even start because we get attached to having to know every step of the way before we move forward.

But you can’t know every step before you start. The steps appear as you move forward and learn and try things out.

You have got to be willing to experiment with the unknown.

It is just like playing with Lego. Use your imagination. Just start. Do small bits at a time.

“The secret of getting started is breaking your complex, overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.” – Mark Twain

You need to let go of having to know everything before you start if you wish to get unstuck and change something.

What you learn along the way will show you the next steps.

“Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” – Martin Luther King Jr.

So, the next time you feel stuck trying to make change happen, think of it as playing with Lego. That mindset could be the very thing that stops you staying stuck.

Have you ever noticed that when people start a question with “what if?” it usually ends up being a negative question?

For example:

• What if it doesn’t work?
• What if they don’t like it?
• What if the changes I make don’t work?

These are all fear based questions that lead you to focus on negative outcomes and what might go wrong.

You are less likely to take action to make change if you are only focusing on what bad thing might happen.

Asking “what if?” in this context keeps you stuck.  If you stay stuck you are not likely to get the results you want in any area of your life or business.

And that is a pretty heavy cost to pay just from the way you use two little words.

But here is the interesting thing:

If you turn the use of “what if?” around, it can a very powerful way to motivate yourself to move forward.

For example, let’s look at the three examples above again and turn them on their heads:

• What if it not only works but it is a roaring success?
• What if they love it?
• What if the changes you make transform your life and business?

See the difference?

Asking “what if” in this context is much more likely to motivate and inspire you. If you feel motivated and inspired you are much more likely to take action.  And if you are taking action, you are more likely to achieve the outcomes you want.

Isn’t that option a hugely better one than staying stuck because you have kept yourself in a mindset of fear?

Remember, you get what you focus on.

So the next time you are mulling an idea over and you catch yourself muttering “what if this, that and the other?” have a look if you are using it positively or negatively.

Because which way you use “what if?” will influence your outcome and results.

Yes, two words can be that powerful.

Train yourself to use “what if” scenarios to see the possibility, create feelings of motivation and move you forward.

Refuse to allow yourself to use “what if” to nurture fear based thinking that will keep you stuck.

Don’t underestimate the power of how the words you use impact your mindset and the results you get in all areas of your life.

The other day I was browsing through posts by my facebook friends.

One in particular caught my eye.

It was a couple of really thought provoking questions asked by Pam Slim.

If you don’t know Pam, check out her website which is Escape from Cubicle Nation .

Both the questions Pam asked got me thinking and I found them really useful so thought I would share them with you here.

So, here they are:

Question 1 – What do you want to leave behind in 2011?

and

Question 2 – What do you want to bring into 2012?

I would like to add a third question to these two:

Question 3 – What do you need to do to make this happen?

So, as we head towards a new year, I invite you to ponder on these questions and see where they lead you.

Would love to hear what comes up for you. Please share your thoughts in the comments below.

Feeling overwhelmed?

You are not alone. It strikes all of us at some time.

The way you deal with it will greatly influence how quickly you will stop feeling overwhelmed.

There are all sorts of ways to do this. Things like simplifying, saying no to stuff, improve scheduling, dropping non essential tasks – to name but a few.

Those things, whilst they can be very effective, are not dealing with the hidden cause of feeling overwhelmed.

So, what is the hidden cause of feeling overwhelmed?

Before I answer that question, here are some clues:

Feeling overwhelmed is one of the complaints I hear most often from my clients. Things such as:

• I feel overwhelmed by trying to juggle the business and family life.
• I feel overwhelmed by everything I have to do.
• I feel overwhelmed by being stuck in a rut.

Spot the link yet?

Overwhelm is a Feeling.

And where do feelings come from?

Our thoughts.

It is not all the stuff going on in your life that it is causing your feelings of overwhelm. You are creating your own feelings. Nothing else. It is what you are thinking about all the stuff going on that is triggering those feelings.

So, to truly master overwhelm you need to be dealing with what you are thinking about the situation. Then you will be in a better position to manage it.

Yes, my friends, the hidden cause of overwhelm is your Mindset.

That is why I bang on so much about the importance of developing your mindset.

Because it totally dictates how we feel, experience and respond to any given situation. And as a result, our response will dictate the outcome moving forward.

Master your Mindset = Master your Life (and your business and relationships too).

But let’s get back to the specific issue of feeling overwhelmed:

Every time you hear yourself say “I feel overwhelmed”, consider this:

• What are you thinking that is creating that feeling?
• What new thought do you need to focus on to create a different feeling?
• What are your feeling overwhelmed trigger points?
• What will you put in place to proactively manage these?

Be patient with yourself with this. You are starting to work on changing deeply ingrained thought processes. It takes time and practice.

Getting professional help with stuff like this can speed up the process. If you are struggling with this get some support.

Keep reminding yourself that overwhelm is a feeling and that feelings originate from your thoughts.

What will you do to learn how to manage your mindset better so that you feel overwhelmed less often?

I am interested to hear your experiences of dealing with overwhelm. Please share your thoughts in the comments below.

How you deal with setbacks can be the difference between moving forward and getting the results you want or staying stuck in the doo doo.

I don’t mind sharing with you that I have experienced some real whoppers.

And boy have I learnt some important lessons from them. One of the most powerful lessons I have learnt is this:

We can’t always choose what happens to us, but we can always choose how we respond

So, with that in mind, here are three easy steps that work a treat when dealing with setbacks:

Step 1 – Learn the Lesson

When a setback happens, whether it be a whopper or just a tiddly little one, look for the lesson.

There is ALWAYS a lesson.

Look hard for the lesson instead of wallowing in the misery of the setback. Don’t fall into the trap of victim mentality. That serves no purpose at all. It will rob you of taking 100% responsibility of what has gone wrong.

Yes, I am suggesting you take 100% responsibility for the setback. Because it is only when we take 100% responsibility for everything going on in our work life and personal life that we can create effective change.

Ditch the quest for blame and assigning fault. That is a waste of time and energy. It doesn’t achieve anything and it certainly doesn’t move anything forward.

Step 2 – Apply the learning

So, you have learnt the lesson, right? Next you have to apply the learning.

Look at the lesson you have learnt and ask yourself:

What do I need to do to stop this sort of setback happening again?

APPLY IT.

Unless you apply the learning you are pretty much inviting that particular setback to happen again.

Hint: this means taking action folks. It’s not going to magically happen by just thinking about it.

Step 3 – Move on

Have you ever come across folk who are endlessly dwelling on a setback they have experienced, sometimes for years? Energy draining or what? They are just keeping themselves stuck.

Holding on to a setback keeps you stuck. Let it go. Move on.

Once it’s done you can’t change it. You can only:

Learn the lesson. Apply the learning. Move on.

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Do you ever get that “I don’t know what to do” or “I don’t know where to start” feeling?

It can feel overwhelming can’t it?

It often shows up when you are looking to make change or do something new.

This feeling in itself isn’t a problem. It is how you respond to that feeling that is important.

If you are heading in a new direction you haven’t been in before, it is perfectly normal to get that “I don’t know what to do” or “I don’t know where to start” feeling.

It is a normal part of getting on the path to making change.

But the problem with it is this:

When people feel they don’t know what to do, they often do nothing. As a result they stay stuck where they don’t want to be.

If this sounds familiar here is

What to do when you don’t know what to do.

First of all, don’t beat yourself up about it or allow frustration to take over. It serves no useful purpose. It is natural to not know what to do when you start something new. Be kind to yourself.

Secondly, be honest with yourself about if you are using that feeling as an excuse to do nothing. If you are, make a commitment to stop making excuses. They keep you stuck and let you off the hook of taking action.

Thirdly, for the love of God do something!!!

Seriously, just do something. It doesn’t even matter if the first thing you do isn’t right. You are just taking the first step to finding out what to do.

Once you have decided on what you want the outcome to be, come back to where you are and just focus on the first step to move you forward.

• Maybe the first step is just doing some research on the thing you want to achieve.
• Maybe it’s hiring someone knowledgeable in that area to help you
• Maybe it’s doing a brainstorm or a mini plan.

Remember:

“Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” – Martin Luther King Jr.

Sorry to those of you who were expecting some sophisticated masterplan as the solution to what to do when you don’t know what to do. But it really is as simple as just do something. Take a baby step. And each step you take will lead to the next one.

Let go of needing to know “how” before you start. The “how” will be revealed along the way as you learn stuff and take action.

So, what baby step will you take today about the thing you don’t know how to do?

Do you need to embrace the “F” word more?

It is a word that everyone uses at sometime. Anyone that says that they don’t is lying. It is word that stops people in their tracks.

The “F” word in question that I am referring to is this:

FEAR

The other day I put out this on twitter:

Sometimes you have to do stuff that frightens the pants off you to move towards your vision #justsayin’

It generated discussion with fellow tweeters who were experiencing fear for whatever reason in their work life, business or personal life.

The truth about this tweet is that it was a reminder for myself as well as a message to my twitter followers.

You see, for years I let fear cripple me and keep me stuck in a life of mediocrity. It was only 10 years ago when I decided to jack in 14 years of peddling the corporate hamster wheel to work and live on my own terms that I discovered the joys and rewards of frightening the pants off yourself.

Recently, I find myself needing to embrace fear again. I am in the process of changing my business model. It is part of the next stage of our family’s master plan of designing our ideal life.

In order to reach for something big, something we have never done before, something that would be a dream come true, there is going to be fear involved.

This is because it is unchartered territory. Out of our comfort zone. Has a bit of risk involved.

But here is the thing:

If we don’t learn how to deal with fear effectively it grabs us in a vice like grip and keeps us stuck.

And that is why I am on a mission to get us all to embrace fear more. To stop it holding us back from what we really want to shoot for.

It’s OK to feal fear. It’s normal. It’s not some big failure. What is important is how we respond to it.

We need to be committed to learning more about our mindset. What drives it? How do you upgrade it to something that serves us better?

Tips for learning to embrace fear

1. Make a decision that you are going to start embracing fear and stop it holding you back.

2. Ask yourself this question:

What needs to happen so that the fear you are feeling is addressed or managed so that you can move forward?

Focus on nailing that.

3. Identify the source of your fear and deal with it fully.

4. Don’t be a Lone Ranger. Get support from a trusted family member or friend. Hire a coach, mentor or therapist.

Learning to deal with fear is liberating and will unshackle the chains of mediocrity so you can make things how you really want them.

Is fear something you find gets in your way or do you find it easy to deal with? Please share you views below.